Haleigh Cookson Clark: January 2013

So, first and foremost, this is not an attempt to pass myself off as some manner of expert, or sexologist or anything like that. Instead, what I’ll try to do here is to help some of my squirt-challenged sisters experience one of the most funnest (yes, that’s now a real and valid expression, deal with it) things that a gal can get up to between the sheets, in the shower, in a broom closet, or most anywhere. Before I begin, let me explain that this is how it works for me, as this is the distillation of over three years of trying, often failing, and experimenting; although we all have similar bodies, we’re not all the same, and what worked for me may not for you. On with the show!

1) Get aroused. If I'm rolling around the hay with a fine female friend, I can't recommend this naughty little bugger enough: trust me gals, a FeelDoe is about as much fun as two vaginas can have. Well, almost. If you're with a wonderful gentleman, might I suggest She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman? It's a fun, quick read, and will really help even skilled lovers finely tune their game. Pro tip: less Maxim advice you take guys, the better. So all that is to say, I don’t care how. Just do it. I’m serious, get nice and slippery and wet. Good? Good!

2) Lay down! Maybe on your bed or something. Maybe put a towel down too, because you know, squirt. Once you’re laying down on a bed, imagine your vagina as a beautiful pink ballroom.

3) Once you’re good and aroused (and not before), reach into the gorgeous pink ballroom (whether you, a friend, lover, toy, etc.) and feel along the ceiling for the magical chandelier. It’ll feel spongy, warm, and slippery. This is your g-spot, say hello! Appreciate her. Love her. You might need to fiddle around a bit, but trust me, you’ll know when you hit her. This bears repeating: you'll really know when you hit her.

4) As the idea is basically to tease and stimulate this little gal, start doing that as you pleasure yourself. You know, the usual (hint: nipple pinch, rub the lips, tickle the clit, nibbles along the thighs, Ryan Reynolds in a skimpy pirate costume…). Anyhow, as you do this, give attention to your g-spot. A lot-a lot. Basically, one of the best ways to get from "Oh My!" to waterworks is the finger technique. This can either be you or a pal, but basically, you almost wanna curl your fingers up, almost doing a "come here" motion with your middle and pointer finger ensuring that they almost tease and brush past either side of your g spot. Again, you'll need to get a feel for this personally, but you'll be able to tell when it's working and when it's working!

5) After playing and teasing her for a long time, you’re gonna feel like you have to pee. Don’t worry. This sudden pressure is just your g-spot threatening to shoot super hot, sugary firecrackers of pleasure out of your pussy while it soaks your brain in pure and unadulterated ecstasy - trust me, it’s super fun! Once you’re close to a mighty fine O, stimulate your g-spot nice and good. Also, hard. Really press on that girl hard - pussies are super tough, like Nerf, and can take it. So, really get down on her hard and pretty soon, you’ll totally think you have to pee, which is totally okay because…

6) You’re totally going to squirt instead! There may be a little, or there may be a lot of it - again, I don’t know because its your vagina, not mine. Also, the trade-off here is that g-spot orgasms are typically stronger (much stronger) than clitoral orgasms, so you may wanna try this alone first. Or, if you have a loving husband like mine, who doesn’t care how many weird and/or gross contorted monkey faces (and owl noises) you make as you explode, all the better!

7) Congrats on the squirt/it’s totally not pee/yes, he still finds you attractive/I sincerely hope that you put a towel down! This is all to say that you’re probably going to cum harder than you ever have before, and you’re going to make some godawful creepy faces and bird-like screeching noises unlike ever before. So don’t even think that you can keep your bouncy, flirtatious, attractive girlie-girl composure “on,” because you totally can’t. Hubs joked that when we finally got me to squirt that first time, I sounded like Donkey Kong from the old Super Nintendo games, and did this weird kicky dance as I made faces as if I were anally giving birth to a family of pineapples. Hubs is cute and funny, which is why he’s Hubs!

8) Just stay the fuck down for a minute and bask in the afterglow! Bask Bask Bask! You just squirted girl! Let the feeling of awesomeness sink in! I say this as a woman who thinks we need to appreciate the small victories in life, you know, like squirting. Also, because I immediately tried to get up so I could clean the towel and myself, and being as shot through with heavenly energies as I was, I immediately fell over like a jello-legs newborn giraffe, and babbled for a few minutes as I tried to catch my breath. So yeah, just accept now that ultimate pleasure = ultimate-not-giving-a-fuck-what-you-look-like-or-trying-to-move and we’ll all be a lot happier, sexier, and juicier.

Conclusion: It’s not pee, it’s not pee, it’s not pee! Your female ejaculation is no more pee than a man’s ejaculation is. If you find your partner is being a dork about this (which I highly doubt that they would), and shaming you, or making you feel bad about your sexuality, then you simply need to find a better, more understanding, and more orgasm-giving partner.

If you need a little extra help in this completely awesome quest of reaching the next plateau of self lovery, check out Female Ejaculation: Unleash the Ultimate G-Spot Orgasm. Obviously, I'd like to pretend that my advice is the best of all, but realistically, some gals might need a deeper understanding of why they can (or can't) squirt, and there's no better place than in this handy dandy guide. Of course, it wouldn't be me if we didn't include, some, oh, how you say, inspiration? :D